We know so many. We use them all the time.
We tie them in neat little packages and send them a drift in hopes that someone, somewhere will understand them.
They hold so much meaning, these words, but often fail to express what it is that needs to be said.
That is why I sit in silence. There are no words. Nothing comes to mind.
It is dark inside, and there are parts of me I don’t want you to see because I am afraid.
So, I sit still.
Desperately looking for words to describe everything I am trying to hide.
I look at you, willing you to understand, but I can’t face the pain I am causing you. I would do anything to push this all down deep inside to keep away from you. To hide it from you. Just to see you smile.
I loved you selflessly once. Please don’t ask me to do it again. Not when you asked me to love you fully now.
To touch you, to hold you. Everything for so long I dreamt of doing.
A surreal fantasy.
To be around you is peace. There is calm.
There is something safe and secure.
Words. Just more words. Trying to convey a meaning.
Take for instant the word friend. To each and everyone it means something different. I could call you my friend. It would not be a lie. To say you are a good friend would even be the truth.
Two more words to keep a friend a friend. To be only a friend.
To stay loyal and true. To be there through all, and to never leave.
Ah, but by that definition alone I have never been a friend,
Instead I just was there.
I accepted the choices you made.
I still accept them now.
Words don’t make feeling any of this easier.
You have my unconditional love, on the condition that I am not there.
To sit and feel and feel and not speak because there are no words. Words which talk about love, and the joy. Words which make me want to share every second of every moment with you because you are so important that I need to share my life with you.
Indescribable happiness. I want to see you smile. Laugh. Your eyes shine with the burning passion you have blazing deep inside. To share in your achievements, your happiest moments, your love.
To hold you and be your comfort when you are sad. To be your distraction when you are stressed. To just be there when you need someone. To be that someone you need.
To be needed.
Needed and loved.
I could decorate this with words so beautiful, a single perfect teardrop would never compare.
But the words would still be words, and a meaning will still need to be conveyed.
So I stay silent.
I don’t tell you where it broke or got hard. Where your words stopped being words and became so much more.
Where one touch has so much emotion that it is almost unbearable to feel.
I can’t love you like you want me to. Not when it is restricted.
I can’t love you without it hurting. Not when I know it must end.
Oh these words. So simple. So easy. Words that come and go, strung up in different ways to mean different things to many people.
These beautiful, heartfelt little packages which cannot even begin to scratch the surface of all that I want to say to you.
So I sit in silence.
Searching for the words.